Cyst

Once upon a time there was a cat. It followed me from Campbell, California, to Palo Alto, and on to San Jose. Through the shadows, across time, from zip code to zip code, it was a haunted feline that lived to torment me. For years, it went wherever I did go.

Okay, you animal lovers, yes, it was the family pet, but it sounds creepier my way, doesn’t it? Almost like a Stephen King novel. Brrrrrrrrr.

Back when this cat spent five years with Kristin and me in Palo Alto, it got into a couple of scrapes. We never knew if it was with another housecat, or perhaps a wild animal—possums were always a possibility—but Naugles (that’s the cat) required two surgeries within a matter of twelve months or so. Each cost about five hundred bucks, to remedy an abscess, back when five hundred bucks was . . . well . . . five hundred bucks.

I swore the second would be the last, and that we’d not shell out such serious money again for the cat. Lucky for Naugles, it never happened again, and she lived a good ‘nother twelve years or so. Some people think I’m coldhearted enough to have actually denied a third surgery if it had become necessary, and I’m not going to attempt to dissuade anyone of that belief.

Now in the new millennium I wish that such a procedure would only cost me five hundred bucks. It turns out that prices have gone up since 1990. Who knew?

Daughter Kelsey, a creature doubly as active as Naugles the cat, had experienced some pain in her right wrist for at least two field hockey seasons. I, of course, wanted to make sure it wasn’t just a passing ache, so I waited a couple of years before we took her to the doctor.

If only she had been the family pet rather than a human being. A scalpel and a quick, impersonal procedure would have done the trick. Instead, Kelsey was subjected to x-rays and an MRI before a ganglion cyst was diagnosed. Surgery was suggested, although I was aware of a cheaper and quicker method using a bible, dictionary, or other large book. Just smack the thing! It is supposed to work well, although the smacked ones have been known to return.

Being a human being and not one of the lower species, and with a mother who has a mothering instinct, Kelsey earned the privilege of proper medical attention. Damn the cost and full speed ahead! The bills are just beginning to arrive from the surgical center, and the doctor, and the anesthesiologist, and it appears they’ll amount to more than $500, even with an insurance policy in place. Something to do with deductibles, and patient co-pays, and fees for not reading the fine print.

But, hey, it is Kelsey. It’s okay to spend that kind of money to improve the quality of her life, right? Sure, as long as it doesn’t keep happening. I’ll have to make sure that Kelsey reads “The Story of Naugles.” Another ganglion cyst might just be her ticket to the great beyond.

While Kelsey was resting at home two days post-op—with some highly enjoyable Vicodin tablets—Kristin took the latest incarnation of the family beast to the veterinarian. Zen the dog had a small lump on her chest that had appeared a couple of months earlier. Like the humans in the house, Zen doesn’t rush to the doctor with every possible infirmity. She takes the “wait and see” approach. Or we do for her.

Do me a favor, though, and don’t point out to Kelsey that we waited two years for her wrist, because Zen only waited about four months. This is simply because we figured the vet bill would certainly be less than Kelsey’s, and the dog’s might even turn out to be elective surgery. In which case I would elect “no.”

Still, the canine lump could be cancerous or something more unpleasant and so we figured we needed to know. Kristin took the dog to the vet, where she got a ton of compliments. That is, Zen got a lot of compliments. She was eager, friendly, curious, smart, and puppyish, despite her advancing years. (Really? Almost seven years old? Does that make surgery even more optional?)

The lump also was complimented. It was small, not intrusive, and simply a fatty deposit. Nothing malignant. Liposuction was an expensive possibility, but there was no way we were going to sign up for that. Zen got a couple of shots to keep her up-to-date on her vaccinations and to make sure she doesn’t spread rabies around the neighborhood again this year.

Just kidding. She didn't spread rabies around the neighborhood last year.

It was two years ago. (Kristin asks that I point out that I am still joking; ha ha, you be the judge.)

Anyway, Zen and Kelsey are both on the mend, and under strict orders from me: no more doctor visits! Or they will quickly learn just what the American icon Sarah Palin means by “death panels.”

Mirror

There are jokes that circulate through a society that most people don’t want to hear. They are cruel, or mindlessly unpleasant, or concern themselves with dead babies or Helen Keller or chickens that may or may not have crossed the road.

For example: How did Helen Keller’s parents punish her when she was bad?

They rearranged the furniture.

This is either proof of a sick society—that such a thing could even be thought of in the first place, let alone shared (in any number of joke books and Internet sites)—or, if you’d care to be less negative for just a fraction of a second, perhaps Helen’s parents were believers in feng shui and were just trying to figure out how to bring good luck to their home.

Moving the couch away from the wall, or certain potted plants to particular compass points, might improve the flow of energy, or ch’i. Sure, Helen might stumble about for a few days, but that would be a small price to pay for the universe to smile upon the Kellers and bring forth a beneficial life force. A small price, indeed, unless your name was Helen.

For thousands of years the art of placement has been followed by many people. None of those people lived in this country, because it was a superstition unique to a foreign land. It didn’t arrive in the good ol’ U. S. of A. until someone figured out how it could be marketed and sold to a group of New Agers who had tired of shamanic chants, aura photography, pyramid hats, and ear candling.

Folks jumped at the opportunity, because rearranging the furniture seemed a lot less dangerous than holding a burning candle to their ear. This feng shui business would improve their dwelling or workspace and create maximum harmony with the spiritual forces believed to influence all places.

That’s great, I suppose, if you believe in ghosts. Or making wishes on falling stars. Or planning for the great hereafter. As Artie Johnson used to say to Ruth Buzzi on TV’s Laugh-In, “Do you believe in the hereafter?”

“Of course I do,” she’d respond, quiveringly.

“Then you know what I’m here after!” He’d lunge toward her, and she’d smack him with her purse. Feminism in action. I think Ruth Buzzi has excellent ch’i. And she probably never trips over her own furniture.

It makes perfect sense to arrange the items of your home and office in a harmonious manner. If your feng shui consultant (yes, they exist) advises you to set up your living room so that you can see someone entering the room from any seated position, go ahead and do it. At the very least it will allow you to greet your visitors. Likewise, sitting with your back to your office door is silly from a practical standpoint. Who are you avoiding, besides your ch’i?

After that, you should fire your feng shui consultant, even if she is fully certified (yes, that exists as well, and is available through a Distance Learning program for only $1000, though I shudder to give you any further information for fear of advertising their silly business). If one feng shui consultant will tell you that you shouldn’t hang a mirror at the end of your foyer for fear of reflecting positive energy out of your house, and another will tell you that you definitely should hang a mirror at the end of your foyer to reflect out bad vibes, then who is right?

This is the ch’i version of determining if your glass is half full or half empty. It’s all attitude, baby. If I live in fear of my beer mug being half empty, then I no doubt think that negative energy is always following me into the house. Mirror up. If, on the other hand, I know the mug is half full (and not only that, there are still six or seven beers still in the fridge), everything is right with the world. Mirror down.

Like all superstitious beliefs, feng shui suffers from its own vagaries. Beyond where the ottoman goes, practitioners want to insure your fertility with the proper color scheme in your bedroom and to build your wealth by placing a blue rug at your front door and to help you achieve business success by fixing that broken desk drawer. Because everyone knows that no one ever got pregnant sleeping in a dirt brown room.

When the rules can’t be nailed down, you know it is most likely dishonest puffery. Despite the number of times you might hang a melting candle over your ear, bad things will still happen to you. It is called the human condition. If I trip over the furniture in the middle of the night, maybe it was placed in such a manner that evil forces are seeking to harm me. Or maybe it is the wrong color.

Or maybe, just maybe, I had too many half full mugs of beer before calling it a night.

Santa

For weeks now, men of every size and hue (and some women) have been sitting in ornate chairs in the middle of shopping malls and greeting thousands of strangers as if they were glad to see them. In reality, they were not. But they had to act the part: it went along with the black boots, red suit, and snow-white beard.

Santa is always happy to see you, even if you are a tear-stained, arm-flailing, screaming toddler.

Many of the lap-sitters smile for the camera and quietly tell St. Nick of their fondest hope for the Christmas season. Perhaps it is world peace, or maybe that Daddy won’t be dipping into his secret sauce as much as he did last year. Some probably even ask for a gift, and the most astute of these new millennium greedy kids will whip out their cellular telephone to show a picture they took of that particular gift.

“I can give you the UPC if you need it,” the child says, “and the URL for the best online sites. You can probably even get free delivery if you order by the twenty-first!”

“Ho, ho, ho,” the Santa says, although it sounds rather like, “Ho, ho . . . no.”

It must be a tough job. Hours of sitting, dirty fingers clutching at your beard, children grumpy from standing in the long line. Smart mall owners (or those fearful of a lawsuit) will provide a variety of translators so that Santa doesn’t promise a cheese grater or tire chains just because he didn’t understand what the kid said.

The translators hover around the throne waiting to hear a language they understand. Then they run off to the food court during their federally mandated lunch break to scarf down deep-fried Christmas snacks. Meanwhile, Santa sits undefended, fighting the porcine scourge of the 2009 holiday season.

Yes, the swine flu.

At the same time that our fellow citizens were outraged by reports that Fortune 500 CEOs were lobbying for front-of-the-line status when it came to flu shots, conservative talk show hosts were complaining that Guantanamo Bay detainees were also in the queue before good old regular Americans. Then Kris Kringle got in on the act, in the form of the AORBS: the Amalgamated Order of Real Bearded Santas.

This very real group is proud of their membership, because these are fellows who truly could pass as St. Nick. Their beards don’t pull off, and they aren’t skinny old-timers with a couple of extra pillows stuffed under their shirts. These fellows are not just play acting; they are Santa.

As such, they have sat for years, trying to avoid the tears and the snot and the hacking coughs spewing from their littlest visitors. They have to duck and lean and dodge all manner of airborne death. As I said, they’ve been doing it for years.

Suddenly, though, swine flu threatened their very existence. If they couldn’t get the shot, the AORBS said, these jolly men wouldn’t sit at your local ShopTown Mall and let your little brats rub their sticky fingers all over them. It wasn’t just a matter of not getting sick, they also didn’t want to help spread the germs. The Christmas carols piped in through tinny speakers underneath the Santa throne might have to be rewritten. “Deck the Halls (With Purell),” or something like that.

Unfortunately the Santas have fallen prey to the scare tactics of modern medicine. The common flu kills tens of thousands of people every year, and this latest strain has killed far fewer. Yet it is hyped as a bigger threat. Instead, the AORBS should be embracing this potential epidemic with other new songs, like “Have Yourself a Merry Little Swine Flu.” Laugh in the face of danger, or something like that.

I never have had a flu shot, and I won’t this year either. I come into contact with a goodly number of students in my travels as a substitute teacher, but they don’t sit in my lap and they rarely have their fingers anywhere near my face. I don’t live in fear of the Little Contagious Drummer Boy, but apparently I might if I was a mall Santa. That, however, will have to wait until my beard is longer and whiter, and my beer gut is more prodigious.

In the meantime, if swine flu was originally transmitted from pigs to humans and now travels from mall brats to Father Christmas, maybe other species aren’t impervious. Perhaps reindeer are at risk. Maybe Rudolph’s nose isn’t red just so he can guide that sleigh that night; maybe he is infected.

Oh Cough, All Ye Faithful.

Jerk

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Wait a minute, something sounds wrong there . . .

“Twas”? Really? Nobody talks that way anymore. If old movies can be colorized, and old jokes can be decreed verboten because people are becoming overly sensitive to their diminutive height, hair loss, national heritage, or skin hue, then can’t we update a Christmas classic that kids sing in classroom all over the country?

“It was the night before Christmas . . .” That works just as well, and it sounds better grammatically, which is important in these times of rapidly declining student achievement. The problems with the poem, however, don’t end there.

It gave the luster of midday to objects below. Hmm.

As far as I know, there is a Web page designed for people to find out if there are lusters living in their neighborhood. Is Santa really on the prowl for sex offenders when he is out on his appointed rounds? I don’t think so.

Assuming luster means gleam or patina and not “one who lusts,” can’t we just say shine? Luster, gleam, patina, they all the same thing, except they are not as clear as “shine.” What could be more clear than “shiny as a bald man’s forehead”? Except we can’t say “bald” anymore (see above).

“Midday” is not exactly clear either. I think it means noon, but some wiseacre over in the next humor column cubicle says that midday is between dawn and dusk, and that can range all over the clock depending on the time of year. Assuming we are speaking of December 24 (remember, ‘twas the night before Christmas), midday on the west coast of the United States would be 12:08.

That might be close to noon, but it is not noon. In other words, it twasn’t. So we ought to lose the midday and just say what time it was. It gave the shine of 12:08 p.m. to objects below. I can live with that.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot.

Really? Fur pants? I can see the hat and the coat, especially if the Great One had recently departed the chilly North Pole (where his closest neighbor is reputed to be Superman and his Fortress of Solitude), but fur pants in the lower forty-eight are just silly. Especially if the fellow wearing them is excessively jolly. That will just invite taunting.

Assuming the fabulous sled being pulled by eight flying reindeer has been upgraded in recent years, I’m sure there is a heater on board. Let’s lose the crazy pants and put on something reasonable. Dockers, for example.

And where is PETA in this whole conundrum? They should definitely be boycotting fur pants, whether it is fake fur or not. Fake fur pants are simply a gateway drug to real fur pants, especially during this time when everyone wants to feel Christmasy. PETA likes to say, “Be comfortable in your own skin; and let animals keep theirs.” They should include Santa in their recriminations.

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

How joyful an image! How healthful! A cloud of smoke, pumped voluminously from a stinky pipe clenched between his rosy cheeks. I can just assume that as soon as the song is over, St. Nick is coughing his lungs out through his brown teeth. As little Suzie or Jimmy wander down stairs to check on the “clatter,” they get a good five years’ worth of secondhand smoke in a matter of seconds.

Happy holidays, kids! We hope you enjoy the Christmas stench! Now, see if you can find that can of peppermint chewing tobacco that Santa left in your stocking! Speaking of stockings . . .

And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk.

Sure, in this case “jerk” means yank, or jolt, or twitch. All of you old people get it, but try reading the poem to a classroom full of prepubescent pupils. I did recently. As soon as I said, “then turned with a jerk” half the class started yelling at me.

“You said a bad word!”

“You mean ‘jerk’? Give me a break, kids, it’s just a stupid poem.”

“Ooh, I’m telling Miss Perkins. You said the s-word.”

I was certain I had done no such thing, until they informed me that “stupid” is the new s-word. The other s-word is too common in the movies and videogames that even the youngest children see that it doesn’t even raise an eyebrow anymore. But say “stupid” and you are suddenly the Anti-Santa.

Or “jerk.” You can’t say that at school anymore either. Unless you are talking about a substitute teacher. I have been called Grinch, and I have been called Scrooge.

But I believe this was the first time I was called a Christmas Jerk.

Rear

There are a lot of parking lots in the world. Environmentalist wackos like to decry the number of cars polluting the planet, and goodness knows the house next door to me has about eight vehicles and only three licensed drivers, but just imagine how this extrapolates to parking lots.

All of the cars on the planet aren’t being used at any given moment, but spots have to be available in front of every convenience store, exercise center, or proctologist’s office for anybody who might drive up. That’s a lot of asphalt. Wide open and ready for use. If only someone would drive in.

For some reason, I find myself in a lot of parking lots. I might be taking a short cut on one of my runs, or I might just be looking for dropped coins, but as I stand there I think, “Hmm, what a waste of land” and I think, “Hmm, what’s with those folks who don’t know how to park properly?”

Whether the lot is full or not, I can always find some vehicles that aren’t parked nose in. You know, the way the rest of us park. There is an unwritten social contract that says we all park the same way: headlights facing front, blinding the old geezer reaching for the gearshift in his own car.

In some cases the social contract isn’t unwritten. To stem the tide of these ne’er-do-wells, some small and private lots post un-unwritten rules. “Please park forward.” That’s the nice one. “Do not back in.” That’s the one for when nice just doesn’t cut it. There is a reason such a request, whether it is cute and informal or brisk and direct, is made. That reason is “a friend of mine.”

I had a friend a while back who always used to park his van backwards in parking lots, and even on his own driveway. It took him slightly longer to park, what with the three-point turn and having to carefully navigate in reverse between other vehicles, but his departures were much quicker than those of us who had to back out.

He could just floor the gas pedal and turn the wheel. It made escapes much easier, which is possibly why he did it. He had a lifestyle, which, shall we say, obligated him to be able to flee at a moment’s notice.

Those who might have been after him are the same who also park rear-in when they take a short break to buy doughnuts and coffee. Every police car I see in front of a convenience store or pastry shop is always parked nose-out. That’s when it hit me: it was either to aid in fleeing, or in pursuing. The fugitive needs an easy out, and the hunter needs to be able to quickly follow. The rest of us ease into our slot and then carefully back up later after the proctologist declares us fit and healthy.

Backing out of a parking space certainly takes care, but it seems harder to back in. You have to crank your head around until it is ready to spin off your shoulders, and the tires that are leading the vehicle aren’t the ones that turn. That makes it more problematic.

Because it is more difficult, it takes more time, and every time someone is trying to back into a spot in a crowded parking lot, traffic begins to back up. That’s why we have the social contract. If the traffic flow is messed up, it leads to flaring tempers, and the world ends in a fiery rain of anger.

I can’t see going to all that trouble. We all should do whatever we can to prevent the world from ending in an angry rain of fire.

Better everyone just stops parking backwards. Granted that police officers should be allowed to back in whenever they are on duty—lest they arrive late to the scene of the crime—they shouldn’t do it out of habit in their private vehicles. Likewise, criminals shouldn't park that way because now, with no one else doing it, their getaway car will stick out like a sore thumb.

The obvious nature of their criminal enterprise will be further exacerbated by them running around, guns drawn, with alarms blaring behind them. They need a better getaway plan than simply the rear-parked car.

If you, or someone you know, need to discuss options for fleeing, you should talk to my old friend. Just call ahead to make sure the facility isn’t in lockdown.

And only use his ideas that were successful.

Fake

If the name Ron Popeil sounds familiar to you, it is probably because at some point in the past you have purchased one or more of his products. Chop-o-matic. Inside-the-Egg Scrambler. Showtime Rotisserie. And don’t tell me you’ve seen him on TV but never called the 800 number. I know there is a Pocket Fisherman somewhere in one of your closets, you just don’t want to admit it.

Another of his infomercials offered GLH-9, otherwise known as Great Looking Hair Formula #9. This was, in essence, spray paint for your head. It may have been nutty, it may have been ludicrous, but it made the man some serious money. I don’t know if the stories of gunk running down from hairlines during strong winter storms are true, but if mascara runs when the ladies cry, why wouldn’t hair thickener?

The garden equivalent of GLH-9 has now been unleashed on the world. There are companies offering to come and paint your yard, either to improve the home’s curb appeal while it is for sale, or to cut down on your watering bill. Or just because you like to be the first person on your block to do something stupid.

It seems to me most lawns that would qualify for a nice coat of paint probably front a home in a similar state of neglect. If the porch is piled with faded newspapers, and the front door handle has one of those jumbo realtor lock safes and several pizza ads attached, and a curtain is blowing out of an upstairs bedroom window accidentally left open when the family secretly vacated the premises in the middle of the night several months earlier, then I’m thinking a new coat of Behr’s Lustrous Emerald is going to look rather ridiculous.

The theory of making your home look as presentable as possible when trying to sell it makes sense. Picking up the toys, doing the dishes, making sure the men and boys in the house haven’t completely fouled the area in and around the toilet—these are easy, cheap, and logical. The fact that this practice has morphed into an entire home staging industry is surprising.

That it has now reached the point that we are considering painting lawns is madness.

I know people who dye their hair (dye—not spray paint). I have heard some of them say “this is the last time,” generally when they are trying to bridge the gap between years of dye jobs and a coming out of their glorious elder gray. Every time the roots start to show, though, they rush back for auburn highlights, unwilling to suffer through the inevitable transformation.

Here’s the thing: you’re not fooling anyone. Same with a bad toupee, too tight clothes, or teeth so white and straight that they look they were chiseled off a marble statue. Real life ain’t so perfect. It has rough edges, imperfections . . . and brown lawns when no one is watering.

The same thing would happen outside your front door. If the grass needs to be painted twice a year at a cost of up to $500, are you really saving any money? And if you have only “cut back” on your watering, aren’t you still encouraging its growth, and, therefore, its roots to show?

I thought the fake lawn had hit its low point years ago with Astroturf. For sport fields I can understand it, but it makes no sense at home. Despite the protestations of synthetic lawn proponents, I know it is ridiculous, because the vast majority of people won’t do it. And by “vast” I mean so many people that I might as well say “everyone.” Doesn’t matter how brown their lawns are or how high their water bill goes, plastic grass just doesn’t cut it at home.

This newest debacle will surely fade, no matter how they try to pitch it. First it was to help improve the fading beauty of foreclosed properties, but it wasn’t a huge hit, plus foreclosures inevitably decreased. So now it is marketed to citizens in the midst of a drought.

It still won’t sell.

Would a homebuyer prefer to see an abandoned and foreclosed property with a perfectly manicured and beautiful lawn? Or would that give them something to worry about? Who’s been taking care of it? Squatters? Maybe the green paint running across the sidewalk after a light rain is the clue.

“They painted their lawn?” the potential buyer says. “What, they think we’re idiots?” And off they go to look at another house.

Pretty soon some knucklehead so-called entrepreneur will suggest painting backyard patios blue and calling them swimming pools.

And bigger knuckleheads will actually do it.